Cow story

Cow Flies and the Naked Lady

Have you ever experienced nature’s violent turn, just when you thought all was tranquil in the great outdoors? I am thinking about cow flies and a naked lady. Here’s the story:

Beginning on a Country Road

It started on an isolated highway along the Rocky Mountain Front Range. I zoomed by a herd of 50 cattle, noticing that all the mommas were black and the calves were brown. They were lying contentedly in the corner of a pasture, near a watering hole, with no bull in sight.

The herd looked so darn cute, and the color contrast struck me as unusual. Photo op? With no other car around, I made a U-turn and parked along the ditch.

All eyes were upon me as I got out of the vehicle, leaving the door open. The cows chewed cud as I clicked and thought, Wow, their manure sure smells potent for meadow cattle.

Eight-year-old blond-hat Macaulay Culkin's holds hands to face, eyes wide and distressed, and mouth opened in an "ah" sound on the dvd cover of the movie Home Alone. Smaller images of the two burglars are behind him.
Eight-year-old Macaulay Culkin’s unforgettable verbal “aaaaahhhhh” in the 1990 movie Home Alone.

I tromped back to the car, and then I noticed them. Tiny flies ornamented my clothes and many dotted the window. I didn’t scream outloud, but have you ever had a primal Aaaaaahhhh in your thoughts? Yep! That was me.

What to do?

Driving Like a Maniac!

I jumped into the car and slammed the door. I touched my hair and was grossed out to feel hard, little flies. Aaaaaahhhh!

Flies on flowers
Imagine hundreds of these little flies in your car and on you!

Quickly, I turned on the ignition, fastened the seatbelt, and pulled onto the road. I accelerated in panic and opened all the windows as black specks went spinning for the ride of their lives.

Meanwhile, I flicked my hair with one hand and tried not to drive like a maniac into the ditch. It felt like a scene from a horror movie where a crazed old lady head-bangs in a death dance.

For 15 minutes, I drove with one hand while the other hand squished bugs with a tissue. Oh, why did these creatures have exoskeletal plates that reminded me of soft shell crabs? To make the driving more distracting, the little guys kept crawling in and out of car crevices. I rolled electronic windows up and down, up and down. Aaaaaahhhh!

How Now, Cow Flies?

Finally, I could sigh, seeing only a few bugs around me. Visible survivors had migrated to the rear window.

But this ordeal was not over. I had to figure out how to let myself into the house without a gang of flies. Surely, subversive one were still on squirmy me! It took the rest of the drive home to figure out what to do.

Here is the protocol, just in case you ever need it:

>Drive into garage.

>Close garage door.

>Strip to birthday suit.

>Run quickly into house and throw clothes into washer.

>Run quickly to bathroom and get in shower.

>Finally, dress and have drink of choice.

Moral of the story: Nature has a dark side. Pay attention or pay the consequences.

And by the way, the cow pictures were crap and went spinning into oblivion–just like those cow flies.

The Ends

The Ends

 

Published by

CSB

Writer and editor, desiring to entertain and enlighten, focusing on the good, beautiful and true in the present and the past.

8 thoughts on “Cow Flies and the Naked Lady”

  1. I love it!!!! I remember hiking with you along a lovely wooded path moist with verdant foliage. You are the only person I have ever hiked with who attracted more mosquitoes than myself! Little critters love you! They flock to your presence. Perhaps, they know you will immortalize their short journey here on planet earth. Thank you for sharing such a wonderful, rare gift.

    Cindy replies: Oh, that brings back memories (itch, itch). It must be that rare AB Negative blood I inherited. Thank you for reading and appreciating! Love from Colorado.

  2. At least they weren’t horse flies… :-)

    After all that, then of course “the cow pictures were crap.” Hilarious, Cindy.

    Cindy replies: Thank you, Anita, for reminding me to be grateful for the little things, because it could have been worse! Horse fly bites are nasty!

  3. Great story! I have decided to leave all cow photo ops to you!

    Cindy replies: Thanks, and okay to accepting any cow assignment. I will have insect repellent ready–eco green, of course!

  4. Hi Cindy. I’m still wiping my eyes from laughing so hard at your post. Wonderful story! AND I like the moral to it even more.

    Cindy replies: Thank you for reading!

  5. I needed a good laugh to (almost) start the day. Thanks!

    Cindy replies: We all need to find the humor in these days! Thanks for reading!

  6. Hahaha! Good laugh to start out my day!! We need to learn to not take life too seriously….

    Cindy replies: Thanks for reading. I am glad you liked the country humor!

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