Have you ever experienced nature’s violent turn, just when you thought all was tranquil in the great outdoors? I am thinking about cow flies and a naked lady. Here’s the story:
Beginning on a Country Road
It started on an isolated highway along the Rocky Mountain Front Range. I zoomed by a herd of 50 cattle, noticing that all the mommas were black and the calves were brown. They were lying contentedly in the corner of a pasture, near a watering hole, with no bull in sight.
The herd looked so darn cute, and the color contrast struck me as unusual. Photo op? With no other car around, I made a U-turn and parked along the ditch.
All eyes were upon me as I got out of the vehicle, leaving the door open. The cows chewed cud as I clicked and thought, Wow, their manure sure smells potent for meadow cattle.
I tromped back to the car, and then I noticed them. Tiny flies ornamented my clothes and many dotted the window. I didn’t scream outloud, but have you ever had a primal Aaaaaahhhh in your thoughts? Yep! That was me.
What to do?
Driving Like a Maniac!
I jumped into the car and slammed the door. I touched my hair and was grossed out to feel hard, little flies. Aaaaaahhhh!
Quickly, I turned on the ignition, fastened the seatbelt, and pulled onto the road. I accelerated in panic and opened all the windows as black specks went spinning for the ride of their lives.
Meanwhile, I flicked my hair with one hand and tried not to drive like a maniac into the ditch. It felt like a scene from a horror movie where a crazed old lady head-bangs in a death dance.
For 15 minutes, I drove with one hand while the other hand squished bugs with a tissue. Oh, why did these creatures have exoskeletal plates that reminded me of soft shell crabs? To make the driving more distracting, the little guys kept crawling in and out of car crevices. I rolled electronic windows up and down, up and down. Aaaaaahhhh!
How Now, Cow Flies?
Finally, I could sigh, seeing only a few bugs around me. Visible survivors had migrated to the rear window.
But this ordeal was not over. I had to figure out how to let myself into the house without a gang of flies. Surely, subversive one were still on squirmy me! It took the rest of the drive home to figure out what to do.
Here is the protocol, just in case you ever need it:
>Drive into garage.
>Close garage door.
>Strip to birthday suit.
>Run quickly into house and throw clothes into washer.
>Run quickly to bathroom and get in shower.
>Finally, dress and have drink of choice.
Moral of the story: Nature has a dark side. Pay attention or pay the consequences.
And by the way, the cow pictures were crap and went spinning into oblivion–just like those cow flies.
The Ends
