Not too long ago I had some tea and conversation with
counselor/writer/speaker Ruth N. Koch. I also participated in two of her “healthy” assertiveness training sessions. Ruth and Kenneth C. Haugk co-authored the best selling book Speaking the Truth in Love: How to be an Assertive Christian. This book is a tool for followers of Jesus to discover the healthier balance between being a pushover and a jerk. It is part of the official training of Stephen Ministers—lay people who care for hurting people.
With Ruth’s permission, I want to share with you a snap shot of her teaching on assertiveness. Perhaps something here will help you to better “love your neighbor as yourself.” These notes are just a taste. For further help, I highly recommend Ruth and Ken Haugk’s book.
What does assertiveness look like according to Ruth Koch:
–It is intentionally aware of the influence of others. An assertive person will not be manipulated into feeling guilty. Instead, he or she will claim, nurture, and even protect the skills and talents God has given.
–An assertive person will pray: “Lord, help me to think about this.” Thinking produces our feelings, and sometimes our feelings mislead. Ask God’s help to think his thoughts. The Holy Spirit can lead us into the truth of a matter.
–An assertive person will not focus “out there,” depending on others for approval. David Augsburger in his excellent Caring Enough to Confront gives this word picture of people pleasers handing out gavels for others to judge them. Remember, the first audience we play to is God. The end of Psalm 139 has a prayer that expresses, “Lord, point out to me everything about me that breaks your heart.” This kind of prayer shatters allusions that keep us from being effective in our relationships with others.
–An assertive person is not reactive but proactive; moving ahead of events, taking time to anticipate and plan possible responses.
–An assertive person behaves deliberately and decisively.
–An assertive person has non-anxious leadership. You cannot lead people who intimidate you. A negative example is of King Saul who made faulty decisions because scripture says he was afraid of the people.
–An assertive person is aware of the mission and ministry God has given.
–An assertive person lacks defensiveness. Defensiveness can be a stumbling block. We say, “Mistakes were made, but not by me.” When we are defensive we cannot admit we are wrong. Why do we not take ownership of being forgiven sinners covered by the blood of Jesus? Martin Luther says we are both saints and sinners at the same time.
–An assertive person stands up for self without undue anxiety. If we don’t stand up for ourselves we are often in a victim stance of “frozen anger.”
–An assertive person exercises rights as well as respecting the rights of others.
–An assertive person has a lifestyle that is open, honest, direct.
–An assertive person demonstrates self-control, which is the fruit of the Spirit. As a follower of Jesus you have this fruit from Galatians 5. Call it forward in your daily life.
–An assertive person talks about self appropriately.
–An assertive person believes one has options and is not a victim. David Augsburger coined it: “Response Able.”
–It is true we may be victimized in this life, but how we respond can be powerful in recovery and moving forward.
–An assertive person accepts his or her limitations as well as the limitations of others. There is no perfect world.
–An assertive person in word and actions chooses to say yes to a holy life.
–There are times we put aside assertiveness for the sake of others. We understand the limitations of others and humble ourselves for their greater good. This is in the model of Jesus, who made the beautiful, terrifying sacrifice of love.
